Forgetting Those Things

Philippians 3:12-14 “^12-14 Yet, my brothers, I do not consider myself to have “arrived”, spiritually, nor do I consider myself already perfect. However, I keep going on, grasping ever more firmly that purpose for which Christ grasped me. My brothers, I do not consider myself to have fully grasped it even now. But I do concentrate on this: I leave the past behind and with hands outstretched to whatever lies ahead I go straight for the goal—my reward the honor of being called by God in Christ.” (Phillips)

Is there something wrong with me because I have forgotten a lot of my past?  It drives my friends crazy when we are reminiscing and they bring up a particular event, place or people that I do not remember.

Is it selective memory or a defense mechanism?  A blessing in disguise?

I sometimes look at my forgetfulness of past things as a blessing because I used to dwell on hurts and wrongs done to me to the point it damaged my relationships and it caused me to become cynical and hard.  I did not believe I could trust anyone.  I thought people around me were sabotaging my life.  To my dismay, I discovered it was I.

I was the one too afraid to love.  Too afraid to trust someone because I believed ultimately they would let me down or leave me.  It seemed as if death followed me because so many family and church members were dying.  People that I felt I needed to help me grow.  When they died a part of me died with them.

There were abuses that I chose to bury along with hurtful memories, thinking they would go away only to discover that they had made themselves a home deep in my subconscious.

There was a turning point in my life where I had to take a hard look at the woman in the mirror and admit that I needed help.  My life was a sham.  I pretended all was right with my world when it was not.

I began to fast and pray because I wanted God to fix me.  I wanted a clean heart as well as a clean life.

A therapist helped me face the ugliness, guilt, shame, and self-destructive behavior and the Holy Spirit worked on healing me from the inside out.

There are chunks of things I still do not remember, some good and some not so good. I ask my friends to remind me of the things that have meaning and affect our current relationship, not our past.

We cannot change the past, but we can repent and make amends.  We can ask for forgiveness if necessary, but we must not allow anyone to hold the past over our heads like thick black rainclouds.  We cannot allow anyone to do anything, which will hinder our journey.

As needed, I pray and ask Father to help me remember, that which is important to my spiritual growth and to those close to me.  The rest I am leaving in the past so that I can become the woman God created me to be.

Heaven is my goal and I will not weigh myself down with the past.  I must run this race with my eyes forward, not looking in my rear view mirror.

Handling Betrayal God’s Way

The following was taken from my devotional reading for December 30, 2014

“God, who has ruled forever, will hear me and humble them.” (Psalm 55:19)

David took the high road.  Rather than talking to others about his wounded heart, he aired his grief and disappointment to God by scheduling three times of prayer each day (see Ps 55:17).  During these conversations with his heavenly Father, David made the choice to transfer the responsibility of healing his heart to the Lord.  When you take the low road – following your raw emotion instead of renewing your mind with God’s Word (see Romans 12:2) – your path will be filled with wreckage and regrets.  Here’s what will happen: (1) You’ll inhibit your capacity for faith.  The more you rehearse your hurts, the more your faith is depleted. (2) you’ll destroy your ability to work with others. Suspicion and distrust will rob you of a healthy rapport with others. (3) You’ll be unable to receive help from others. Trusting nobody but yourself makes you skeptical, even paranoid, when others attempt to assist you. (4) You’ll be set up for loneliness. Others who want to befriend you will pick up on your defensiveness and avoid you.  And worst of all, your loneliness will be self-inflicted. (5) you’ll hinder your own healing. A life devoid of genuine relationships will prevent your wounded heart from healing. (6) You’ll remain trapped in the past.  Unless you’re moving forward, the past will pull you under and hold you captive.  Handling betrayal God’s way is the only path to relief and restoration.

I am sharing today’s devotional because I know what it feels like to travel all six of these roads.  I how horrible it is to be trapped in the past, unable to forgive, let go and move on.  My body has been ravaged with pain due to my inability and unwillingness to forgive.  I thank God that I no longer travel those roads.  I no longer allow my emotions dictate to me.  I walk in complete and total healing in my soul and body, which are in alignment with my spirit.  I’m no longer a victim.  I am living victoriously!

The New Year is knocking on your door.  It’s time for something different, new, and life giving.

Schedule some time alone with the Lord in order to pray, read the Word and seek healing.  Trust Him with your heart.  Refuse to live in your raw emotions, which are robbing you of your life.

Diary of a Celibate Woman – Sharing Day 5

On this journey, heavenly Father revealed to me before He would send me a husband I needed heart surgery. The Lord told me that my heart was cluttered with past hurts, fears, wrong expectations and unforgiveness. He said I had no room in my heart to love a man. He also said he would not allow me to mess up one of His sons, so I needed to spend time alone with Him and allow Him to heal my heart.

I did not know my heart was cluttered. I thought because I was praying, fasting and reading my bible my healing process was going ok. After getting past the wounded ego, I was ready for Holy Spirit to de-clutter my heart. It was a long and painful process, but the Lord taught me how to recognize when my heart is being cluttered again. He told me to pay attention to my housekeeping. If my house is cluttered, so is my heart. That is so profound! I now pay very close attention to my housekeeping. There are still times when my heart is cluttered by conflicting issues, relationship issues and health issues, but I have learned not to internalize and hold onto those issues. I have also learned to forgive quickly and not allow unforgiveness to linger.

Now when I pray and ask the Lord to create in me a clean heart, it has new meaning for me. I am determined to keep my heart free and clear so that the Lord cannot only prepare me for a mate, but so that He can love others through me. Psalms 51:10 “Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.” (KJV)

The NIV speaks to me too, “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”

But Now I Am Found

I grew up thinking that my birth mother did not want me.  A woman who was not my biological mother raised me.  She died one cold March night in Chicago; I was sixteen at the time.  However, my life changed drastically when I was fourteen.  That’s when I found out that she was not my biological mother.  She only told me that my birth mother could not afford to take care of me and so she gave me away.

I was a little girl lost, trapped in a family that had lies and secrets.  I was a victim of molestation, abuse, and self hatred.  My low self-esteem had low self-esteem.

Even after I accepted Christ into my life, after years of teaching Sunday School, being ordained as a minister, and preaching the gospel, I felt as if I was alone, invisible and unlovable.

It is amazing to me how God uses simple things to bring healing in our lives.  A simple thing like a phone call for instance can change your life and that is what happened to me one Tuesday night, June 23, 2013.  My mother, my birth mother called me.  That night Father God added the final missing piece to a cycle of emotional healing.

I spent most of my adult life focusing on my identity and not knowing who I was or what my roots were.  During that time, Heavenly Father was teaching me that I belonged to Him and that he had a good plan for my life.  There were nights that I cried myself to sleep with these words to comfort me, “I know who you are.”    The healing process began years ago, but that night it was complete.

My precious mother spoke words, which caused me to lift my hands, and praise God.  She said, “I did not give you away, you were stolen.”  I didn’t rejoice because I was stolen.  That part shocked me and those words did not sink in until much later during our conversation.  What I heard was, “I did not give you away.”  Oh, what joy that filled my soul.

This is a picture of the little girl who was taken in 1962.  My mother sent it to me this week and I cannot stop looking at it.  She looks so happy, so innocent and sweet.  This is how I still look in my mother’s eyes and this is how my heavenly Father has seen me for thirty-seven years.