I, BUTTERFLY

I love butterflies! I surround myself with them.  A resident came to see me one day and she noticed the butterflies all around my office.  She exclaimed, “You really like butterflies!  I told her that I did and shared my testimony of “why I love butterflies.”

Biology was one of my favorite subjects in high school.  One day we studied the metamorphosis of butterflies.  I didn’t know it at the time, but my heavenly Father used a natural and beautiful transformation to teach me about the spiritual journey I would one day embark upon.

Allow me to take you to school for one brief moment, metamorphosis is the process of transformation from an immature form to an adult form in two or more distinct stages.  Wikipedia states it’s the transformation of an insect or amphibian, but I beg to differ because the bible tells us that as believers, we must also be transformed.

Romans 12:2 “Do not copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.  Then you will learn to know God’s will form you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” (NLT)

The Webster dictionary gives the definition of metamorphosis as a change of physical form, structure, or substance by supernatural means.  That sure sound like Romans 12:2 and that is what happened to me.  I grew up feeling ugly and unwanted and had a negative outlook on everything.  I also had low self-esteem and was suicidal.

My transformation began when I stopped seeing myself as a lowly being crawling along the ground of this world and accepted the love of my Father.  I chose to believe what the bible said about me. For years, I went through a spiritual metamorphosis and then my breakthrough came through if you know what I mean.

The Chrysalis stage is the most difficult stage in transformation because a struggle must take place in order for the adult butterfly to break free of the cocoon.  Christians see struggle as a form of punishment from God or think the devil is messing in their lives.  Sometimes the struggle we face is part of the process we must go through in order to become the beautiful being God created us to become.

During my Chrysalis stage, God sent prophets, teachers and pastors to speak into my life.  Some came from Africa to tell me how much God loved me and that I was beautiful to Him, some came from London to tell me God has a great purpose for my life and that I can never fit in with the status quo. Others some came from my own neighborhood and the message was, being unique is not a bad thing and it is not a curse.  I was told to embrace my uniqueness and believe that God loves me with an everlasting love because He chooses to, period!

Now whenever I see a caterpillar I try to imagine what it will become.  In addition, when I see a struggling Christian, I try to imagine what he/she will become.

The Beauty of Salvation

Rayonnant rose window in Notre Dame de Paris. In Gothic architecture, light was considered the most beautiful revelation of God.

John 10:9-10 “Yes, I am the gate.  Those who come in through me will be saved.  They will come and go freely and will find good pastures. The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy.  My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.”

I chose to believe that the most beautiful revelation of God is a human and the most beautiful thing He has ever done for us was provide Salvation through His Son Jesus.

The word beauty means different things to different people.  For me, beauty is living the life of a believer, a follower of Jesus Christ. I am free to live my life as He purposed. I love to look up at the sky and watch the clouds change shapes.  Some days the blue of the sky looks bluer and the clouds like gigantic cotton balls, beautiful!

There are times when I hear birds singing and their songs sound like melodies from heaven.  Think about it, who taught them how to sing?  Who taught them harmonies?

The beauty of salvation gives me the ability to look at someone and see beyond the color of his or her skin.  I can also choose to ignore the flaws in their character reflects the beauty of our Savior within them.

I suppose it is easy to fall back on my carnal nature when someone says or does something to hurt me, but it is better to remember how often God has to forgive me, and I should forgive others.

Some people spend too much time focusing on religion, but Jesus didn’t bring religion to this world, He came so that we might have life.  That includes being able to focus on the beauty around us and in each other.

I will tell you something else that is beautiful to me, trusting God to work out anything and everything concerning my life.  I don’t have to spend time being angry when people try to sabotage me, not to say that I do not get angry.  I don’t have to wallow in self-pity when someone says hurtful words to me, that does not mean that I my feelings don’t get hurt.  I don’t have to focus on the negative or paranoid even though I am one of those people who believe in conspiracy theories, I just don’t allow them to consume me.

Because of the gift of Jesus, I choose to see the world through His eyes and yes, I believe the human race is beautiful.  No matter how ugly we can be to each other, we were created in the image of God and He makes everything beautiful in its time.  Ecclesiastes 3:11a “Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time.  He has planted eternity in the human heart…”

Withholding Nothing

William McDowell sings a song, “Withholding Nothing.”  This song should be the anthem of every believer.  It is a very anointed and intimate song.  Only radical, true worshippers can throw their heads back, lift their arms towards the Lord and sing this song of intimacy to a Holy and Awesome God.  Only those who experienced hard knocks through life, exhausted all avenues of trying to be good and have come to the end of self can lose them in this song of worship.

The very idea of opening oneself and allowing a Holy God see the good, bad and ugly in us is very intimidating.  Some people believe that if God saw everything, He would not want them.

Beloved child of God, He does see all and He yet loves you.  Psalm 139 is an awesome Psalm.  The writer expresses his inability to get away from an omnipotent, omnipresent God.  He acknowledges that God knows everything about him; yet, nothing makes God turn his head away in disgust.  I encourage you to read the entire chapter it is very inspiring.

Psalm 139:23-24 “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.²⁴ Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” (NLT)

The Prophet Isaiah received a great gift, the ability to see our God in his Holy temple.  Due to the purity of God’s presence, the man of God could do nothing else but see the filthiness of his being.

I believe this is the reason so many of us try to keep God out of those dark places in us because we know how dirty and filthy some things in our past are.  We are ashamed to allow a Holy God into such places, but it is only in allowing the Spirit of God to shine the light in those place will we ever be able to worship Him in spirit in truth.

By holding on to guilt, shame and fears the prison doors remain shut, preventing the Holy Spirit from bringing the healing balm of Jesus.

1 John 1:17 “But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin.” (NLT)

Psalms 103:12-18 “God makes everything come out right; he puts victims back on their feet. He showed Moses how he went about his work, opened up his plans to all Israel. God is sheer mercy and grace; not easily angered, he’s rich in love. He doesn’t endlessly nag and scold, nor hold grudges forever. He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve, nor pay us back in full for our wrongs. As high as heaven is over the earth, so strong is his love to those who fear him. And as far as sunrise is from sunset, he has separated us from our sins. As parents feel for their children, God feels for those who fear him. He knows us inside and out, keeps in mind that we’re made of mud. Men and women don’t live very long; like wildflowers they spring up and blossom, But a storm snuffs them out just as quickly, leaving nothing to show they were here. God’s love, though, is ever and always, eternally present to all who fear him, Making everything right for them and their children as they follow his Covenant ways and remember to do whatever he said.” (MSG)

By stepping out in faith and choosing to trust that our heavenly father knows what’s best for us, we can throw open those doors we’ve been ashamed to let him in, lift our faces towards heaven, and sing, “I surrender all to you, everything I give you, withholding nothing…withholding nothing, withholding nothing.”

Perfectionism is Not A Virtue

Matthew 5:48   “You, therefore, must be perfect [growing into complete maturity of godliness in mind and character, having reached the proper height of virtue and integrity], as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (AMP)

I heard the above scripture preached many times as a child and thought, “How in the world can I be perfect?”  Like any other child, I had naughty thoughts, I was mischievous and prone to pulling pranks on my friends.  I was very outspoken and hated to be told what to do.  There was no way I could really be perfect or was there?

I wanted to be obedient to God.  He was actually the only one I cared about pleasing.  Therefore, I began my search for perfection.  My search for what Jesus commanded slowly morphed into an obsession with perfectionism.  I didn’t have access to other bible translations until much later in my walk with Christ, but by then I was bound in chains of perfectionistic thinking.  Simply put, I set extremely high standards and rigorously demanded perfection no matter the cost.

The cost was oftentimes very high.  Trying to be a perfectionist caused irreparable damage to relationships because no one ever live up to the lofty standards set.  My obsession was slowly building a wall around me, suffocating the life out of me. I wanted a perfect life, a perfect job, a perfect church, a perfect husband, perfect friends and perfect children.  I developed obsessive-compulsive behaviors and eating disorders.

I had no idea that what I was striving for was totally opposite of what Jesus commanded and it was destroying my life.  Perfection (the state of being without flaw or defect) can only be found in the born again life through Jesus Christ.  It is very ironic that only by relinquishing completely that thing we strive to obtain, will we actually obtain it.

As I began to study, meditate on, and apply the word to my daily life, I learned that for most of my life I was chasing bondage and not freedom.

It is only by allowing Holy Spirit to have complete and total control can we begin to mature into the person worthy to share God’s state of holiness.  It is only in Jesus we become complete.  When I read Colossians 2:10 the chains began to break, “So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority.” (NLT)

“And you ^[a]are in Him, made full and having come to fullness of life [in Christ you too are filled with the Godhead—Father, Son and Holy Spirit—and reach full spiritual stature]. And He is the Head of all rule and authority [of every angelic principality and power].” (AMP)

Further studies uncovered these treasures:

• Philippians 3:12 [Pressing toward the Goal] “I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me.”
• Galatians 3:3 “How foolish can you be? After starting your new lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect by your own human effort?”
• Romans 12:2 “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”

The Lord set me free from the bondage of perfectionism but I still have to remind myself of this every day when the spirit of ‘nitpicking’ tries to take hold of me.  It is true that when Jesus frees us, we are totally free, but we must partner with Him in order to maintain that freedom and not slip back into bondage.

I still have high standards, but I try not to drive myself, or those around me crazy, trying to reach them.  I fall back on Romans 8:28 “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”  I allow the Holy Spirit take me to that place of peace and sweet release as I trust God to have His way and complete His purpose in the situation.

Proverbs 3:3 “Joyful is the person who finds wisdom, the one who gains understanding.”

Seek and Live

Isaiah 55:6 “Seek the LORD while He may be found, Call upon Him while He is near.”

I was searching the book of Isaiah for a verse that has been ringing in my spirit all day.  Isaiah 55:8-9 ⁸“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. ⁹ “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.”

I was searching for these scriptures because the Lord had to remind me that He is so much bigger than I could ever imagine, yet He loves me enough to pay attention to what concerns, frightens or threatens me.

He reminded me also that He does not see me the way that I see myself.  I often pray and ask Him to allow me to see myself as He does.  That’s because I have high expectations and tend to beat up on myself when I make a mistake or don’t complete a task.  I have to remind myself that it is not the end of the world to make a mistake or tell someone no.

I don’t aspire to be the brightest, biggest or best at things of this world, and often think there is something wrong with me because I do not.  When I detour and take that side road, the Holy Spirit lovingly reminds me that my thinking isn’t lining up with God’s word or His plan for me.  Therefore, I must then choose to align my thoughts about myself with His word.  I must purposefully seek scriptures to rid my brain of stinking thinking.

There is no way I want to live my life thinking my thoughts and doing things my way apart from God.  I cannot allow a day to go by without getting on my knees and surrendering my will and ways to His.

I am one of those people incapable of shutting down my brain.  I live inside my head way too much, but I am so grateful that God’s thoughts are higher than mine are and I am thankful that His ways are superior to mine.

After reading, those verses and meditating on them I felt led to read several other chapters of Isaiah but 55:6-7 would not leave me, so I began to mediate on them.  The first portion of verse 6 captured my attention, “Seek the Lord while He may be found.”  Most of us know the word seek refers to locating or trying to discover something.  I believe the seeking God wants from us is the kind where we crave, thirst or hunger for Him so much we begin to pursue Him. We set aside time just for Him so that we may develop a close and personal relationship with Him in order to live as He purposes each of us to live. Jesus came to give us eternal life, but also an abundant life here.

The second part of that verse spooked me a little, “while He may be found. Call upon Him while He is near.”  I know there will come a day when the God will remove Holy Spirit from the earth.  All I could think of is what a dreadful time it will be for those still on the earth.

Our world is in a dangerous decline right now.  America has welcomed Apostasy with open arms and that has pierced the heart of God.  He is not going to allow wickedness to go on too much longer.  Consider what happened to Sodom and Gomorrah or the nations God drove from Canaan.

I’ve tried to imagine what our world would be like without God and it is too horrible to think about.

There are those who think they have won battles because they think they have booted God out of schools, places of employment, and off government grounds. Those same people who boast of atheism will get that for which they have worked so hard a world without God and I do not believe they will be as pleased as they think. I for one will not be around to see it because I plan to be with Jesus.

The Plans of the Lord

Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans that I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” (NLT)

Every January as a first fruit offering to the LORD, I go on a 21-day fast.  I seek direction and God’s will for the coming year.  There is always one thing the Lord has me work on.  One year was enjoying the present and not worrying about tomorrow; another year He taught me that taking shortcuts is not always good; for the past two years, the lesson has been about how to be a better listener.  (That is still a work in progress.)

I’ve never been a goal-oriented person, but this year because there were so many things I wanted to accomplish, I decided to focus on setting goals and making plans to achieve them.  Yep, that’s right my goals and my plans.

I heard someone say if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.  That reminded me of several verses of scripture.  Proverbs 16:1 “We can make our own plans, but the LORD gives the right answer.” (NLT)

“Mortals make elaborate plans, but God has the last word.” (MSG)

Proverbs 16:3 “Commit your actions to the LORD, and your plans will succeed.” (NLT)

The goals I set…not even one was accomplished.  My plans have been put on pause because I forgot to focus on what the LORD wanted to teach me.  Here we are, at the end of July and the light bulb just came on.  I did not commit my actions to Him. I didn’t wait to hear the Lord’s answer in January before making my plans to set goals.

Don’t get me wrong, setting goals and making plans are not wrong, but charging ahead without first laying them before the Lord is wrong.  Because of that error, I feel as if I have been spinning my wheels since the last Friday in May.  I felt that day as if my apple cart of plans was over turned.

That morning I put on a new outfit, checked myself out in the mirror, I just knew I was cute.  I left the house early enough to stop by McDonald’s and get a nice plate of hotcakes.  My mind was on those hotcakes while sitting at the stop light, waiting to make a right turn.  Before I knew it, a car slammed into me from behind.  That morning I ended up taking a trip to the emergency room and since that morning, I’ve felt as if my life has been going sideways.

I confess that I’ve had writer’s block since the accident.  I think a part of me has been angry with God for allowing my life to be altered in such a stressful, painful and frustrating way.

While lying in bed yesterday, recuperating from a vicious stomach bug the Lord showed me that my life is not going sideways, it is still heading in the direction He planned.  Tonight when I sat at the computer to post something on Facebook I read something that encouraged and inspired me.  The block is gone.  So, I write.

Psalm 40:5 “O LORD my God, you have performed many wonders for us.  Your plans for us are too numerous to list.  You have no equal.  If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them.” (NLT)

Bearing More Fruit

John 15:1 &2 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. ² He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes^[a] so that it will be even more fruitful.”   [^a The Greek for he prunes means he cleans] (NIV)

The process of pruning is vitally important in the lives of every true believer.  The act of pruning means to remove what is necessary or unwanted.  It encourages growth and productivity.

I never understood spiritual pruning until after I learned how to prune my houseplants.  I could not understand why my plants were dying and someone, I do not remember who, told me that I needed to cut away the dead branches and leaves in order to promote growth.  I was overjoyed when in a few days I saw little buds forming on the branches that were thriving.

God takes spiritual growth very seriously and it is necessary for Him to cut away those things in His children that hinders our growth.  Cleansing must take place in order to bear Jesus’ fruit.  We must be cleaned from the inside out.  There are things deep inside of each of us, residue from our sinful lives.  Deep and dark things which must come up and out.

Father does not take pleasure in the pain His children suffer during the pruning process, but I believe He takes pleasure in the much fruit bore by those who endure the process.  Pruning is necessary throughout our walk with Christ and can be quite painful, so those playing church need not apply.

Verse two, states that the gardener (Father God) cuts off every branch in Jesus that bears no fruit.  He’s not talking about unbelievers here; Jesus is referring to those who show up for church week after week for the wrong reasons.  Those people with personal agendas in hand, expecting God to move according to them.  Such people are incapable of bearing fruit for Jesus and will eventually be cut away.  You are probably wondering how this cutting away takes place.  I am not an expert on this, but I believe it is possible some may leave the church with their agendas unfulfilled; they may become church hoppers. Others may even turn their backs on God altogether.

Sometimes we get it twisted. We are not in control, Father God is.  We do not have all power, He does.  He has the power to remove all those who are not growing in the fruit of the spirit, those who are stagnant and stinky.

Those who waste time playing church and pretending they are super Christians are in for a rude reality check.  Father can see you, and He knows what’s in your heart and soul, even if others cannot.

He knows those who memorize the bible just so they can throw scriptures in other’s face.

God does not care how many scriptures you can quote if you do not apply them to your own life and have fruit to feed those who need to taste and see that the Lord is good.

The fruit of Jesus (Holy Spirit) can be found in the fifth chapter of Galatians.  A study of this chapter will itself prove to be fruitful.

The fruit Christians bear is not for the bearer, it is to feed those in need.  An apple tree would look strange trying to eat the apples it bears wouldn’t it.

The fruit of the believers is meant to draw the lost to the vine.  The vine is responsible for creating the fruit; the branches have the responsibility for bearing the fruit.  Let us not just bear fruit, let us strive to please our Savior and bear much fruit.

Forgetting Those Things

Philippians 3:12-14 “^12-14 Yet, my brothers, I do not consider myself to have “arrived”, spiritually, nor do I consider myself already perfect. However, I keep going on, grasping ever more firmly that purpose for which Christ grasped me. My brothers, I do not consider myself to have fully grasped it even now. But I do concentrate on this: I leave the past behind and with hands outstretched to whatever lies ahead I go straight for the goal—my reward the honor of being called by God in Christ.” (Phillips)

Is there something wrong with me because I have forgotten a lot of my past?  It drives my friends crazy when we are reminiscing and they bring up a particular event, place or people that I do not remember.

Is it selective memory or a defense mechanism?  A blessing in disguise?

I sometimes look at my forgetfulness of past things as a blessing because I used to dwell on hurts and wrongs done to me to the point it damaged my relationships and it caused me to become cynical and hard.  I did not believe I could trust anyone.  I thought people around me were sabotaging my life.  To my dismay, I discovered it was I.

I was the one too afraid to love.  Too afraid to trust someone because I believed ultimately they would let me down or leave me.  It seemed as if death followed me because so many family and church members were dying.  People that I felt I needed to help me grow.  When they died a part of me died with them.

There were abuses that I chose to bury along with hurtful memories, thinking they would go away only to discover that they had made themselves a home deep in my subconscious.

There was a turning point in my life where I had to take a hard look at the woman in the mirror and admit that I needed help.  My life was a sham.  I pretended all was right with my world when it was not.

I began to fast and pray because I wanted God to fix me.  I wanted a clean heart as well as a clean life.

A therapist helped me face the ugliness, guilt, shame, and self-destructive behavior and the Holy Spirit worked on healing me from the inside out.

There are chunks of things I still do not remember, some good and some not so good. I ask my friends to remind me of the things that have meaning and affect our current relationship, not our past.

We cannot change the past, but we can repent and make amends.  We can ask for forgiveness if necessary, but we must not allow anyone to hold the past over our heads like thick black rainclouds.  We cannot allow anyone to do anything, which will hinder our journey.

As needed, I pray and ask Father to help me remember, that which is important to my spiritual growth and to those close to me.  The rest I am leaving in the past so that I can become the woman God created me to be.

Heaven is my goal and I will not weigh myself down with the past.  I must run this race with my eyes forward, not looking in my rear view mirror.

PULL OFF AND PUT ON

The night is almost gone; the day of salvation will soon be here. So remove your dark deeds like dirty clothes, and put on the shining armor of right living.” Romans 13:12 (NLT)

Every day when I return home from work, I perform a ritual that I learned from a dear sweet woman, Liz Childress, my youngest daughter’s Godmother.  Liz was not only my daughter’s Godmother; she was like a mother to me during my motherless years before she passed.

Every Sunday after church as I pulled up to her house Liz would exclaim, “Ooh, I can’t wait to get in the house so I can pull off and put on.”  That meant removing her Sunday’s finest and put on her comfortable clothes and house shoes.  That woman sure knew how to dress and she wore nothing but the best from head to toe.

Like Liz, every day after work, I walk into my house and pull off my uncomfortable shoes at the door.  I rush into my bedroom remove my business attire and put on my comfortable housedress.  I like walking barefoot so I rarely wear shoes inside.  If I had a job where I didn’t need to wear shoes, I would be the happiest woman alive.  I wonder if I will have to wear shoes in heaven…I don’t think Jesus would do that to me.

“Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.” Ephesians 4:24 (NLT)

Over the years, I’ve learned how to spiritually pull off and put on. Now before leaving my house, I bow my knees, heart and will, in surrender to the Lord.  I put off my selfish desires before I leave the house because I have no idea of what I will face during the day.  I do know without the Holy Spirit I will fail.  I put on the whole armor of God so that whatever I face, victory is inevitable. I yield to Holy Spirit by inviting Him to take full control of me.  I read a devotional so that the word of God is the weapon I use, not my own words.

“Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm.” Ephesians 6:13 (NLT)

The armor of God reminds me that He is in control.  The armor protects me, and being conscious of it reminds me that He fights for me and I do not have to fight against flesh and blood.

Every evening, I rely on the Holy Spirit to remove all the negative and ugly language from my mind that I heard throughout the day.  I allow Him to comfort me and heal my heart from the attacks, both spiritual and natural.  He gives me peace and quiets the storm of retaliation that I have to swallow in order to stay the course.

“Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him.” Colossians 3:10 (NLT)

Liz had no idea that her words would have such an impact on me later on in my life and neither did I.  Every spoken word manifests somehow.  Sometimes the manifestation works for our good and other times against us.

 I have to war in the spirit because I want to give evil for evil and railing for railing.  I want to hurt those who’ve hurt me and I want revenge, but then I remember, I am no longer my own, I’ve been bought with the precious blood of Christ.  Sin no longer has power over me so I must not give it a voice.  I am renewed in my mind as the Holy Spirit calms me and speaks words of life over me.

There is one scripture in my arsenal that is bittersweet to me because I’ve always felt the need to defend myself.  I’m yet learning that sometimes saying nothing is the best defense. 

 “Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” [Deuteronomy 32:35] says the Lord.

Moving Past “No”

“Yes,” “No,” or “Wait.”  I’ve been told all of my life as a believer that God always answers our prayers and His answer is one of the three.  Technically, wait is a yes answer.  A not now yes.

The Lord is faithful to provide for His children and I firmly believe that He knows what is best for all of us.  I know that even His wait answers work out for the best for those who are willing to trust Him.

I have prayed many prayers over the years and I have received answers to all of my prayers.  Of course, whenever the answer was what I expected, I was very happy.  On the occasions I did not like the answers, I accepted them, maybe through tears, but I accepted them.

Last Monday morning, during my fellowship with the Lord, I received an answer to a petition that I’ve had before the Lord for seventeen long years.  I’ve had people that I know prophesy that I would receive a favorable answer to that one petition.  I’ve even had people that I do not know speak into my life concerning the same prayer. The encouragement always gave me hope to keep praying.  I firmly believe that even though I cannot see God’s hand at work, His work never ends.

Have I lost faith over the years?  Yes, but I never lost hope.  I tried to tell myself that it did not matter whether I received my request or not.  I even asked the Lord to take the desire away and when He did not, I saw that as a wait. On the days my faith was at an all time low, I found myself crying out to God, begging Him for an answer, but no answer came.  Not until Monday and His answer was “no.”

After being silent for so long and seemingly ignoring my many nights of tears and petitions, my heavenly Father who loves me said “no.”  It was a soft, gentle, and loving answer, but it still cut through my heart like a knife.  I didn’t know how to respond right away because I was surprised.  I just knew after years of praying, receiving prophesies, His answer would be different.

After recovering from the shock, tears rolled down my face as I continued to kneel on the floor of my bedroom.  I cried silently as my heart responded, “Not my will Lord, your will be done.”  I told my Father that although I did not understand His answer and I was hurt that I would not be given the thing I had waited so long for, I knew that He loved me.

Suddenly this scripture came to mind, “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT)

Again, I was at a loss for words.  I dried my face and dressed for work.  While driving I kept hearing the word, “no” over and over as if solidifying the answer.  My mind was all over the place and moving past “no” answer will take some time.  It also means having to make changes to plans for my future.  I am sad, but my soul is at peace.

I don’t know if I will one day wake up and be angry with God for the answer He gave me.  In that, answer I lost the one last desire I thought would change my life for the better.  I don’t know if I will cry, “no fair!” out of a place of hurt, but I do know that I will continue to seek the face of my Father because His plan for my life is greater and better than anything I can pray for.  I may have nights of tears before me, but the one who dried my tears in the past will be there for me in the future.

My natural man may be suffering, but my spirit man is rejoicing because I finally got an answer.  It is well with my soul.  I do not have to pray or fast for this answer anymore.  I can spend time and energy on that which God has purposed for me going forward.  I do not believe in destiny and I don’t spend time dreaming lofty dreams because I am a woman of purpose and I trust my Father.  The rest of my days shall be the best of my days.  How do I move past “no?”  By doing what I do every day, placing my love, trust and obedience in the one who has never failed me.

“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. ²¹ Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:20 & 21 (NLT)